


More Than You'll Ever Know

by zeldadestry



Category: Actor RPF
Genre: M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-11 23:48:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeldadestry/pseuds/zeldadestry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s the best friend I ever had, you used to say in interviews.  Sad thing is, it was true.  And he’s got his own life now, and he needs nothing from you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Than You'll Ever Know

You could, yeah, stop the bullshit. You could forget about your beards, or even keep them and just go the Clooney route when asked a direct question, say, “I don’t care if people think I’m gay” without any qualifications, without insisting on tagging the statement with “but I’m not”. But you’re not going to do that. Because what you’ve got is working alright, and you don’t want to make anything worse. No, you’re probably never going to make an honest statement because that would be admitting that you lied for so long. Now you just hope that someday no one gives a shit about you anymore and you can do whatever you want. 

 

Everyone always called him pretty. You didn’t. You never had any words for it, you just knew how you felt when you looked at him, like you’d do anything to have your hands on him. 

The people around you, your “team”, and how fucking ironic is that nickname, they said, do you realize what you’re risking, what you’re throwing away? So you followed the path they set out for you and of course it turned out to have risks of its own and left just as much trashed in its wake. 

And the way things turned out, maybe nothing you did would’ve mattered. Both your names still get mentioned when people guess at blind items. And you don’t exactly have the life you hoped for. Your career is bigger, better, actually, than anyone ever predicted, but it’s not what you want because it’s no substitute for what you gave away. 

When you look back on your acting, after the rumors started, but before you left the show, it’s ridiculous to see how you tried not to react to him, attempted to not even look at him unless it was absolutely necessary. That just made it worse, made it more obvious that something was wrong.

He’s the best friend I ever had, you used to say in interviews. Sad thing is, it was true. And he’s got his own life now, and he needs nothing from you. And you know that he probably looks back at it, at you ditching him, and figures it was for the best, because you weren’t the guy he thought you were, you didn’t have the nerve, the guts, to finish what you started. So he probably even thinks he’s lucky. He’s probably even grateful that you left him, that you saved him from more pain later on down the line. 

It was the worst decision you ever made, it’s still the biggest fuck up of your life. It was a big deal for him, back then, but now he’s probably just a little pissed, a little regretful, no more than that. It’s no obsession for him, not like it is to you. You tried to break free, when you didn’t want to be, and in doing so you chained yourself to the memory of how it was and that god damn longing for what could’ve been. 

 

When you spot him in the crowd, you keep your distance.

He’s with his boyfriend, actually. For a long time, you were selfish enough to be pissed about that, when he started making appearances in public with the dude. You worried that people would see them and be convinced that all the old gossip about the two of you must be true.

They look happy together. They always have, every time you’ve ever seen them. They turn in towards each other like they’re the only two people in the room, laughing, passing their drinks back and forth, like glasses of scotch and flutes of champagne both somehow taste better, get you drunker, when they’re shared. 

Yeah, jealousy made you hate him for a while. Why should he get to be happy? Why should he get to be happy without you when you haven’t managed it yet without him? 

The night races on, you lose track of how many people you meet, conversations you have, hands you shake, and cheeks you kiss, but you never forget that he’s there, that he could be, at any moment, looking your way. He never does, not that you notice, but the first time you look out and see him standing by himself, you make your way over to him. “Where’s your boy?” You don’t even try to sound casual. You know you’d just make a bigger ass of yourself if you tried. 

“Went outside to take a call.” 

He grabs at your wrist, sends a jolt up your spine. “What are you-”

“The watch,” he says, wrapping his hand around the metal. “You still wear it.”

“Yeah.” He lets go of you. “That was the best birthday I ever had.” 

“Do you ever think-” he stares down into his drink. “I mean, do you ever ask yourself- was it worth it? Did you make the right choice?”

If you could take it back, you would, but the world doesn’t work that way. You’re not going to get a second chance. He’s not asking you for one. You could tell him the truth. You could say, no, it wasn’t. You could say, I fucked up. You could say, forgive me, please, take me back. But you’re used to lying. You’ve been doing it for so long and usually to protect yourself. Would it be so wrong to lie this one time to protect him, because you wrecked his life once before and you’re not going to do it again? “Yeah, I mean- you’re good, right?” He nods. “Yeah, and I’m good, too. So, I guess- I guess shit just worked out the way it should.”

“Yeah,” he echoes, but there’s a sadness in his eyes you’re not sure you’ve ever seen before. “I guess this is how it was meant to be.”


End file.
